10/10 work. Probably the best joke theory I have seen.
My favorite crack theory is the Sakutaro Culprit Theory in that he mauled everybody to death. The sole explanation for it is that Sakutaro’s theme uses bits of Happiness of Marionette. It makes so little sense and I love it.
Another crack theory as to why the anime did a poor job in adapting it is that Beato was behind it. She tried to make it easier but chickened out and took out important bits, and then threw a bunch of fanservice in to distract Battler.
One serious theory I liked was the Asumu Culprit Theory, as up until EP8’s manga, we didn’t have a canon design for Asumu. There was some name and word play that she was Tohya Hachijo (since Ange wasn’t alive yet when Asumu supposedly died), and her name when broken down added up to 18. But the theory was that she got shoved off a cliff and survived, but she saw Rudolf sleeping with Kyrie when she came back, so she recruited Sayo to aid with her plan, and the only regret she had about it was that Battler was there the day she enacted her plan, because well, no matter what, he was her son to her.
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Oh man this makes me remember all the crack theories I read back in the day.
My overall favorite theory was that Genji was Beatrice. Just that image of Kinzo falling in love with Genji dressed up as Beatrice just makes me laugh. How would he not recognize him?
For a more serious one, gotta go with Rosatrice. I never quite understood how anyone could believe Rosa was the culprit for any of the incidents (except for possibly the first part of chapter 3).
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It was fun to read. It also makes me wonder if that story was influenced by being slightly “older?” Perhaps it has to do with the army and knife-trick accidents?
As far as I know it, the entire Rosatrice theory arose originally due to the artwork of a manga cover which showed visual similarities between Rosa and Beato, which is really not much to base a theory on…
To give credit where credit is due though, the Rosatrice theory is ridiculously well constructed.
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Gohda was hired to create a lot of tomato sauce.
No one ever saw any murders properly because they all have bad eyesight and refuses to wear glasses. The Ushiromiya family is known to be stubborn.
All death are actually faked and done with a creative use of tomato sauce. The seven stakes are actually creative meatballs.
The red truth is only tomato sauce tainted.
No one ever recognized that Kanon = Shannon = Beatrice because they have bad eyesight.
George is the only one who has good eyesight, but it’s a family thing to be blind as a bat so they forced glasses on him to equalize things.
Blind as a bat = This is why this is a sound novel
The fantasy scenes exist because Gohda also needing glasses messed up his recipes and caused food poisoning in people.
“Love” is a codeword for glasses. Without glasses it can’t be seen.
I apparently can’t find the comic again, but I remember reading a comic that was basically everyone solving the epitaph (much like in arc 7TP) and deciding to all go to Hawaii but Eva insisted that she was the one who solved it and was now the heir so taking their shares they left her behind with the gold and headship and told her to take care of Ange while everyone was on a cruise boat heading to Hawaii.
It featured Bernkastel at the end telling Ange that she never knew giving people a miracle could be so much fun with Ange telling her to shut up.
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This isn’t anything reasonable, just a thought I had right at the beginning of ch.5:
Since Beato had become completely unresponsive and when Battler helped her drink the tea, I speculated that years ago he had caused an accident where Beato had become severely impaired. I thought the shackle on her ankle represented her disability to walk and the fantasy world was her way of expressing her dreams through imagination since she couldn’t talk. The servants and everyone else had participated in this dream of hers and constructed the murder mystery trying to bring her enjoyment and Battler was the only one refusing to play his role because he didn’t understand/remember the accident that had been partly his fault. I don’t think Asumu’s cause of death had been revealed at this point so I thought she might’ve died in this accident as well and that would’ve contributed to Battler’s ignorance/memory loss/trauma. This accident would’ve also been the cause for his fear of vehicles.
This theory made me so depressed I had to stop reading for a while. Maybe it’s funny that I resumed after thinking that it’d be priceless if this turned out to be true, but also part of Beato’s trolling plan. Back then I still wanted the two of them to continue their game endlessly while loving, hating and tearing each other to pieces.
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Okay a stupider theory, but one that is hard to deny
After all the Ushiromiya family is one that faked people being dead to mess up with a girl who nearly drowned mere hours ago even tho she’s a bitch (Erika in arc6).
This is factual.
What kind of family is the Ushiromiya family?
So my theory now is that everyone put “roles” (such as, victim of the first twilight, or milf who gets to wave a gun around while screaming at people) on pieces of paper in a box and had everyone picking up a role.
Then they enacted a very elaborate fake murder scheme.
The reason why the story cuts off at midnight after october 5 is because after that Battler figures it out. “What the hell is wrong with you people”.
He decides his crazy family needs to be obliterated for the good of everyone else.
He sets up the bomb, tries to run away using the backdoor (Kuwadorian). Eva tried to follow him but he escaped first.
BOOOM
The seagulls became fried. UminekoTempura.
A family of crazy people who’d fake death to mess up with girls who nearly drowned hours ago was removed from being a danger to everyone else.
Happy ending.
Also I forgot to add this, but Yasu is completely innocent. Even the Shkanontrice playing multiple roles at once thing was forced on her by others. That’s why Battler tried to save her alone (from his crazy family) but she still felt guilty about participating even if against her own will.
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Krauss, at one point, mentioned having invested in a resort complex that utterly failed.
That resort was actually Jurassic Park. Velociraptors snuck onto Krauss’ boat and started breeding on Rokkenjima. Since it’s fact that velociraptors are clever girls, all the locked room murders were actually done by velociraptors, who can unlock locked doors. The end.
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I present to you: The Fall theory… I guess this joke theory still contains references up to EP8: Remember Battler screaming that he’ll fall during the plane and boat ride? In Rokkenjima Prime he did fall off Kawabata’s modded boat. In response Yasu said “fuck it” and flipped the switch. Ange couldn’t believe how stupid this is and prompty offed herself after reading that. Without love, you cannot see the passion for fast boats.
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Wow, I’ve known and laughed thanks to the Gohda copypasta for years and never knew you were the author. I’m amazed because your joke video about the logic error is also one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever read about Umineko. Thanks for the awesome theories.
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Well I do appreciate and believe in the true theory, but, just for fun, I wanted to think up of some other theory that I could call my own, but I haven’t really rechecked the red truths so see if it’s possible, but oh well!
My theory was that, while Sayo (possibly only Shannon) is still the main culprit, most of the murders were committed by other people for their own benefit or for some other emotional reason. Like, Shannon’s motivation just caused a chain reaction of events and thought processes for the rest of the family members, and at some point or another, every family member had the chance to commit the murders (Except for Battler of course). Like for example in the first game, assuming that Shannon and Kanon were different people, Eva and Hideyoshi killed the people for the first twilight, maybe to just kill off the competition for the money and to kill off Shannon, because they didn’t want George to be with her, assuming that they knew about it, and then Kanon killed them in the second twilight because he felt angry towards the pair because they killed Shannon, and etc etc. Of course in some parts this may sound similar to the truth, but y’know, was a little thing I thought of inspired by one of Agatha Christie’s books.
And again, I haven’t checked any of the red truths on this matter, so it probably would have tons of flaws.
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Hello everyone, this is my first post in this section. Of course, I have my own theory as well;) But first a reply to PocketyHat, since I don’t want to just brush your theory aside.
I know I’m new, but if you allow: for this theory my reply would be that, while it is probably possible, there need to be hints for that following the rule that every hint for a crime must be given. We would need for example some conversation where it’s clear that Kanon knows who the muderers of the first twilight were. For now, I think that we’d need more hints. If you have them though, I’d be happy to discuss it 
It was mostly a theory I thought of for fun, but I don’t think I have time to actually develop them with full detail, so I just leave them be as my own personal theory. And for this I’m just going by logic and logical emotional responses, and besides, most people in the island have reasons to kill one another, especially since some people seem to be easily bribed on the solutions of every episodes of the question arc. Buuut again, I’m a not person who wants to focus on it anyway, but if anyone wants to develop this theory, go ahead, I’m just lazy and don’t have time to reread umineko again yet. And again, I support the true theory anyway, I just wanted to have something fun for myself, 'cause hey, the catbox has endless possibilities 
Alright then;)
Hello everyone,
a while ago, I posted here my own little theory about Umineko. Since this became too extensive (needed to edit stuff etc.), I deleted it. But I am still searching for someone who might help me out. So is there anyone who still wants to think about the story beyond the Sayo explanation? In return, I will show you a certain something, proof that there is another solution 
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not my original theory, but I liked the one where there was actually a tunnel underneath rokkenjima to the main land. this allowed a lot of things such as making bodies disappear and letting more people actually be in the island but they just quickly got “out” of the island so the red of the number of people was still valid.
the basis for it came when someone looked at some of the fines and noticed something like windows with blinking lights, kinda like when a train passes through a tunnel.
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Well I definitively do have my own thoughts concerning the truth that violently opposes some of the accepted truth, tho I’m not very sure I could really help anyone else ^^;; feel free to try tho?